Hello Freedom! ~ By Paula Moldenhauer

It seemed to me that the children had bickered all day.  Each time I settled an argument the muscles in my neck twitched and the rock in the pit of my stomach grew heavier.  A home schooling mom, I have plenty of opportunity to interact with my children.

That day one of them exploded as I taught spelling, another argued with me over a reading lesson, and everyone seemed to forget their chores.  By bedtime my shoulders slumped.  I forced myself through the nightly routine, praying prayers I didn't feel.

When the house was finally quiet I wrote in my journal, then turned out the light and put on my favorite CD.  I lay on the couch, huddled under an afghan, totally defeated, mourning my sins of omission, listening to a singer who knew the grief of failure.

"After all," I told myself, "if I was a good mother my children wouldn't talk back, bicker or be angry."  Good mothers had better discipline.  Good mothers had more patience.  Good mothers had done a better job in the early years and their post-preschool children would always be obedient and kind - And of course a good mother could go to bed with a clean kitchen because the children had done their chores without being reminded!

As I lay in the dark I asked God to help me - to reveal His truth.  It came a few days later as I sat in my blue recliner, writing a prayer in my journal.  I discovered I was doing it again!  Taking guilt that wasn't mine.  Blaming myself when Christ had declared me blameless... and what made it even worse is that I took my children's sins upon myself as well.  (As though I didn't have enough of my own!)

The Lord showed me that I had to release them to Him.  To let them be human.  Like me, they weren't perfect.  Like me, they needed to own their sins and let Him forgive.  How could they learn to follow their Lord in the dance of life if I stayed in the way, confusing them by blaming myself for their mistakes?

My children didn't need a savior.  They already had one.  My children also didn't need a perfect mother, one who knew how to settle every argument, discipline away every stray word, and tame every rebellion.  They had a Lord for that.  They needed to confront their own need for the Holy Spirit's moment-by-moment intervention and empowerment.  Besides, if they had a perfect mother, how could they every understand life?

I'm beginning to see how closely perfectionism and guilt are tied together.  If the enemy can make me think I should be perfect he can quickly defeat me... and I'm back in that same old ugly cycle of guilt and failure.  Pretty smooth.

Perfectionism rears its ugly head too often in my life.  It makes me angry when I don't accomplish my to do list.  It causes me tension when I step over clutter and embarrasses me when I find a misspelled word in something I've written.  Perfectionism sets unreachable standards for myself and causes me to take on other people's faults.

I do know One who is perfect, though.  He's the author and perfecter of my life.  He's the One who takes all my mistakes, sins, inadequacies, and failures and weaves them into something beautiful and good.  He's the One that replaced my old, messy human heart with His own perfect one.  Come to think of it, He's the One who set me free from striving so hard to be perfect!  After all, through Jesus I am perfect - to God.

Where does perfectionism trap you?  Maintaining the perfect body?  Getting the best evaluation at work?  Presenting a together image?  Being the perfect student, parent, friend, spouse,....or Christian?  let it go, my friend!  The only perfect One is our Lord.  He's the One who promises to transform us into the likeness of Himself.

Good-bye perfectionism!  Good-bye guilt!  Good-bye to trying to prove myself!  Hello Jesus!  My lover, forgiver, sustainer, and completer!  Hello freedom!

Thank goodness my Lord completed the job on the cross.  I can quit striving to be good and rest in His work.  It's a done deal.  My desire now is simply to "fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of (my) faith."  (Hebrews 12:2 NASB emphasis mine).

~ A home schooling mother of four, Paula Moldenhauer is passionate about God's grace and intimacy with Jesus.  Her website offers book reviews, home schooling hints, and a free weekly devotional, Soul Scents.  Subscribe to Soul Scents at www.soulscents.us. Visit her blog at www.gracereign.blogspot.com. Contact Paula@soulscents.us.