Heart Writes

The Indispensability of Friendship ~ By Selena Mack

Philemon is a tiny little book in the Bible, written by Paul. It is widely accepted among scholars to have been written during Paul’s first imprisonment- imprisonment for his work in spreading the Gospel. I find it powerful how the same verses in the Bible speak to different parts of your life each time you read it. Today, for me, one little verse stuck out in Philemon, the seventh to be exact. In it, Paul states, “I have had great joy and encouragement because of your love, for the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you, brother (Philemon 7, NET).” Now, by no means is this verse the highlight of the letter Paul was writing. As a matter of fact, it was simply intended as an instrument he was using in the letter to prepare Philemon for a petition Paul was making to him to forgive someone who had wronged him.

So, what is it that stuck out in verse 7? It was the fact that Paul, an incredible servant of God, whose ministry has effectively touched the entire world over thousands of years, STILL needed encouragement through his friends. We are beings created to be in relationship with others. Looking at this little verse, we see that we can receive joy and encouragement, even comfort (the Greek word used in the NET Bible for “encouragement” is translated as “comfort” in the NASB). What is even more intriguing, Paul’s joy and encouragement was not even a direct act directed toward him by Philemon, but hearing of Philemon’s refreshment of others in his life.

I look in my own life and recall many times that I felt encouragement, that I felt joy, was when I was deeply connected with friends. I find that a vital lifeline in our pursuit of being “free to be who God created me to be,” is the friendships we have forged. In our friends, we receive so much that can only come from those relationships God has granted us. Wisdom when struggling. Comfort when hurting. Correction when wrong. Aid when floundering. Joy amidst disheartenment. Truth amidst lies. Support during loss. My true, open, lasting relationships with other women have helped me through many difficult times. They teach me through their experiences, and they learn from mine. They are able to look at me as the being God created me to be, and help me to recognize that. We are oft times knocked down in the battle we fight to be who God created us to be, and our true, godly friendships help us to get back up, dust ourselves off, and keep pursuing the truth.

You are a special, beautiful, unique creation of God. I know there are days when this is hard to believe. Maintaining friendships with other genuine, mature, prayerful Believers will help you in your pursuit of being who God created you to be, and accepting yourself as that creation. Building and maintaining those friendships can be challenging, but in the end, they are worth it. I have moved a lot in the past few years, but those friends who help keep me on track are there for me, no matter where we live. Paul had to maintain his relationships through messages and letters that sometimes took incredible feats to deliver- and he still found encouragement! We have phones, the postal system, email, cars, and planes all available to us- all of which have come into play with my “gal pals” when I have needed them. When the going gets tough, when I start to believe the lies about me the Enemy is planting, my deep-seeded friends are able to speak God’s truth into my life, and help nudge me back on the path to be “free to be who God created me to be.” I pray that you have some girlfriends who are able to do that for you- and if not, I pray that you will be able to forge those relationships strong believing women soon.

Several weeks have passed since I was asked to update the Free to Be column for Emphasis on Moms. Every time I sat down to write I felt I had nothing left in me to share. This did not stem from a lack of topics, but from a deep void of self-confidence in my life. So, with encouragement from a couple of people, I decided to write from the heart- a heart that is currently hurting and struggling with self-image issues that I have not struggled with for years. I guess it just serves as a reminder that we, as moms, wives, and ladies, will have ups and downs throughout the many different seasons that we encounter.

Growing up, I always struggled with how I saw myself. It was not for lack of “confidence boosters” from my parents. They always made an effort to “build us up,” and to encourage us when we seemed down. Despite that, I felt like I was always struggling to belong, which bred a sense that I was unlikeable. It did not help that a girl who I thought was one of my closest friends in 5^th grade wrote me a note to the effect that I should stop trying to make friends because nobody liked me anyway. Yes, children can be cruel- but as a child that already struggled with how I viewed myself, this was a devastating blow. It continued to be a struggle for me all the way through high school.

Then arrived the college days! I moved away from home and attended a private university at which I knew nobody when I arrived. It felt like a new beginning. It was surprisingly easy to make friends, and people had left behind childish ways of direct cruelty. I really began to blossom. I finally began to feel acceptable- not just to others, but to myself. I look back at my college years and feel like I was broken free from the heavy chains of never quite accepting myself. I have a figurine that some of you might have seen before- it is of a little girl, head thrown back, arms out, and I like to imagine her just spinning under a warm summer sun. Just free- free to be who she is. Finally, for the first time in my life, I felt that I was really free to just be who God had created me to be. It was wonderful! The feeling of freedom lasted for years. True, I had bad days, as I believe everyone does, but for the most part, I continued to accept myself for who I was, flaws and all.

Yet, here I write to you from a new place- and not a good place, and definitely one that I do not want to remain, but I am toiling to leave behind, but it feels like I am trying to climb a mountain of sand. You know the feeling, when every step you take, the ground beneath you takes your foot back to where it started. What is frustrating is that I do not remember a slow dissension to this valley- but a rapid, seemingly unstoppable plummet to the bottom; nearly back to where I started. It is especially frustrating have more than a decade of not only accepting myself, but actually enjoying who I was. Lately, the ups have been few and far between and a battle to achieve, and the downs have been prevailing.

So, what happened? Where did this nose-dive originate? I was so excited to be writing for the Free to Be column so I could help other women who might be struggling like I had at one point in my life. Yet, a matter of months after accepting the honor of the column, I found myself buried beneath the feelings of self-rejection again. First, the birth of my first born helped to bring on feelings of inadequacy that I did not expect. I began constantly questioning my instincts, fearing that I would “mess up my child.” I was told by many reliable outside sources that I was a wonderful mother, but I felt like I could not help but second guess myself. However, I did have a couple of friends who were also moms of little ones, who were able to share from their hearts that most women secretly grapple with feelings of inadequacy, especially at the beginning.

In the midst of the self-image tumble brought on by motherhood, our marriage took a hit. The wounds are still fresh enough, that even as I write this article from the heart, I cannot bring myself to share in detail what happened. Suffice it to say, the experience pushed the scraps of positive self-image over the edge of the cliff, and it tumbled to the bottom of a rocky valley. Unfortunately, that is where I am writing from. My heart is hurting, I feel unattractive, unlikeable, unacceptable. I feel like I have failed to be who I was created to be. How could I possibly write a column to encourage other moms, wives, and ladies in their own self-esteem battles? The only way I could right now is to share from my heart- from the midst of my own battle. Right now I feel like I am losing the battle, however, I must cling to the Word of God that tells me I am acceptable simply because I am His. I am His creation. I am loved by Him, unconditionally. I am His daughter. I am a wife and partner to His son. I am the mother to His child. So, from these truths I begin to climb the mountain again. I remember what it was to accept myself and like who I was and what I saw. I pray that I reach that summit again, by the grace of God.

I am blessed in that, despite the struggles, I love being a mom more than any other responsibility I have had, and I love my son more deeply than I could ever have imagined. I love my husband, and we are working through our challenges, and I know our marriage will be stronger as a result on the other side of this. I do look forward to the day that I can enjoy being me again. I believe the first article I wrote for the column was “Happy to Be Me,” and I look forward to the day that will ring true in my heart again. I also know that there are some of you out there reading this that are caught up in the self-image struggle with me. Although each of you has your own story and individual triggers that bring on the down times, the battle is the same. I will be praying for you in your own climb up the mountain to self-acceptance, whether it’s your first time to reach that summit, or if you are like me and are fighting to reach a place you had been before. May God reveal Himself to you in a special way right now.